I am a Jelly Bean

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For anyone who has watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (my guilty pleasure) knows that a "Jelly Bean" is someone who is jealous. I think jealousy comes with the territory of deployments. You don't mean to be jealous, and you certainly don't want to be jealous but you are. I have been jealous of friend's husbands for not having to leave the FOB (forward operating base/base they stationed at while deployed) throughout their entire deployment. I have been jealous that people get to Skype with their husbands everyday when all we can do is instant message a couple times a week. I went five months without hearing my husband's voice while some people got to hear theirs everyday.

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Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for ANY and ALL communication we get because that is comfort in knowing my husband is okay. I was angry for awhile due to the jealousy I was feeling, but eventually I began to let it go. I kept reminding myself that there are spouses out there that don't hear from their husbands longer than me and there are spouses that will never be able to talk to their husbands again. I also reminding myself that this is only a temporary situation and that we only have a third of this deployment left.

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There are so many emotions and phases of deployments that you don't even know which ones are coming when. I can only speak for myself but I've had feelings of "this will be okay" to "I can't take this anymore!" I have felt sad, angry, jealous, frustrated, empty, exhausted, lonely, happy, determined, and numb. I have seen two soldiers driving down the street in their Class As and had my heart stop. I've been in a crowded room of couples and felt completely alone. These are things you cannot prepare for. You prepare for your soldier to go out on missions and you prepare for not hearing from them for a while but you cannot prepare for these other scenarios.

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 I always find the last part of the deployment to be the worst because it feels like it is going by so slow. So, for the next few months my goal is to survive. To take one day at a time and make the best of it. Some days will be rough and others will be easy but I will allow myself to feel these emotions and to carry on.

Editors Note: Most jelly beans are gluten free!

Studious Maximus

Have I told you I'm a student? Well, I am. I'm currently finishing my last semester of my associate degree. I've chosen not to walking at the commencement ceremony; Mr. I will still be in Afghanistan and quite honestly, this isn't what I've been working so hard towards. I'm really working towards my bachelors degree and by getting an associates makes it easier to transfer. My major is social work and I cannot wait to start the social work program at my next school!

Mr. I and I are moving at the end of the summer. We're moving to.......drum roll please......Colorado! We have both been wanting to live there for a long time, and that wish is finally coming true! We are both ecstatic. I have images of us hiking the beautiful mountains and rafting down the Arkansas River. We will actually be able to spend holidays with family! I cannot wait!

 Anyway, I must get back to my homework!

It's wheat, it's barley, it's rye...oh my!!!

 So, the post before last was from June of 2010. I talked about how I was having health problems and was worried what it might be. Well, after numerous tests and vials of blood taken I found out I was gluten intolerant. What is that you say?  Basically, its an allergy to wheat, rye and barley. My body cannot process it and it has caused me digestive issues for years.

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For the past seven months I have been reading articles, medical journals, food labels and experimenting with flours I didn't even know existed. Finding substitutes and trying my hardest to resist temptation in the mist of special occasions and holidays. 

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Have you ever tried gluten free bread? Its sad. Its very dense, has a different flavor and you usually find it in the frozen section of the grocery store. I hate freezing anything and double hate defrosting anything. I miss fresh, warm, crusty, artisan bread.

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Now, being gluten free isn't all bad. I feel amazing now that I don't suffer from digestive problems. I lost 20 lbs over the course of four months. There are a lot of delicious foods I can have. And again, I feel wonderful!

I'm now facing a challenge...I need to find meals that my husband will like. For me, becoming gluten free was a challenge but going gluten free for him would be almost impossible. He loves everything fried, greasy and breaded. Those are obvious no-nos in the gluten free world. I have about four and a half months left until he comes home and I need to hurry and find dinners he'll like! Wish me luck on this new quest...I'll need it!

Rest and Relaxation

It has been almost three weeks since my husband went back to Afghanistan. R&R was absolutely amazing and I feel so lucky to have had him home for Christmas and to kiss when the new year rang in. We also celebrated our anniversary while he was here, since he flew out a few days prior. We wined and dined and had a wonderful time...but now he is back to work.

 

This is the view my husband sees constantly. He is a gunner...you know, the guy on top of the trucks with a big gun. He also sent me this picture of a sunset.
 

 
We're a little over 60% done with this deployment. A part of me is excited because we have the majority of the deployment behind us but I am also a bit discouraged because we still have so much in front of us.
 
I think once the weather gets warmer and I can start going outside more; time will fly! Too bad there are still two and a half months of winter! Ok ok, back to being optomistic...positive, Jessica. Think positive.

New Territory

I need to get this off my chest...

I'm having health problems. It could be a number of things and I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow and quite honestly I'm scared. I wish my husband could be here not to go with me to the appointment, but to give me a hug at the end of the day and tell me that everything will be ok. I hope I will be able to talk to him tomorrow.

I'm also suffering from extreme worry and stress (some call it anxiety). I've been experiencing this for a few years now but I'm at the point where I need help. I have an appointment with a therapist next month but I wish it were sooner. My thoughts and feelings feel trapped in me. I really hope things go well at my first appointment.

This was kind of an unexpected post, but I needed to get it out. Once I feel more comfortable on here, I think I can fully explain the issues I am having.

Fun Survey

Mannland5 made a fun little post with a survey. I figured I'd fill it out!


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1. If you could have one of Superman's powers which one would you want? Superhuman strength..Flight..Superhuman speed..X-Ray vision..etc.
I would definitely say flight. I’d love to fly over to Afghanistan and visit my husband. Yes, I would be crazy enough to do it. Plus, I could fly to visit my family and I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to find a cheap flight to New Orleans for this November.



2. The best thing I ever won is....?

I’m one of those people who never wins anything. No really, I swear. I never win anything. But I will be a copycat and say my husband’s heart : )



3. Have you ever skyped with a bloggy friend?

Nope.



4. What is your favorite Summer month?

I would say July because I love Fourth of July and school doesn’t start for another month.



5. Pool, Lake, or Ocean?
Ideally, I would want a pool near an ocean. I love to live close enough to an ocean to eat delicious, fresh seafood but I don’t like swimming in the ocean. So I would choose pool if I was forced to pick one or the other.




6. One of my favorite Summer memories is....
Having BBQs with family and friends.




7. What's your favorite secret bargain?
I don’t really keep my bargains a secret. But I think case lot sales at the commissary are a huge bargain. I still have trash bags and freezer bags from a 2007 case lot sale.



8. Do you plan on or have you been watching the World Cup?
I haven’t been watching and I probably won’t be watching. I played soccer for almost 10 years. I love playing soccer but watching it on TV is not very entertaining to me.

I can finally relax…a little.

After talking to my husband this morning on Skype I sat down on the couch, leaned back and took a deep breath. I felt a small sense of peace knowing that he made it there safe, he obtained an internet connection and I will have the privilege of being able to communicate with him somewhat frequently.

I feel lucky. Our last deployment was not like this at all. Our last was actually our first. We had no idea what to expect and our communication was limited. And on top of that it lasted fifteen looooong months. My fingers are crossed that this deployment will only last twelve.


I miss him terribly and the house feels so big and empty without him in it. I do feel more confident this time around. I didn’t handle deployment day as badly as I thought I would and the past two weeks have been so jammed packed with stuff that I finally was able to take a big deep breath today. I truly hope this deployment flies by.


And speaking of flying…today is Flag Day.

One thing I love about living on post is the amount of American flags being flown. They’ve even decorated the main gate with flags all along the road. I love it!

                                                                        [Photo Credit]