Sunday, January 30, 2011

I am a Jelly Bean

For anyone who has watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (my guilty pleasure) knows that a "Jelly Bean" is someone who is jealous. I think jealousy comes with the territory of deployments. You don't mean to be jealous, and you certainly don't want to be jealous but you are. I have been jealous of friend's husbands for not having to leave the FOB (forward operating base/base they stationed at while deployed) throughout their entire deployment. I have been jealous that people get to Skype with their husbands everyday when all we can do is instant message a couple times a week. I went five months without hearing my husband's voice while some people got to hear theirs everyday.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for ANY and ALL communication we get because that is comfort in knowing my husband is okay. I was angry for awhile due to the jealousy I was feeling, but eventually I began to let it go. I kept reminding myself that there are spouses out there that don't hear from their husbands longer than me and there are spouses that will never be able to talk to their husbands again. I also reminding myself that this is only a temporary situation and that we only have a third of this deployment left.

There are so many emotions and phases of deployments that you don't even know which ones are coming when. I can only speak for myself but I've had feelings of "this will be okay" to "I can't take this anymore!" I have felt sad, angry, jealous, frustrated, empty, exhausted, lonely, happy, determined, and numb. I have seen two soldiers driving down the street in their Class As and had my heart stop. I've been in a crowded room of couples and felt completely alone. These are things you cannot prepare for. You prepare for your soldier to go out on missions and you prepare for not hearing from them for a while but you cannot prepare for these other scenarios.

 I always find the last part of the deployment to be the worst because it feels like it is going by so slow. So, for the next few months my goal is to survive. To take one day at a time and make the best of it. Some days will be rough and others will be easy but I will allow myself to feel these emotions and to carry on.

Editors Note: Most jelly beans are gluten free!


  1. Hang in there! If it makes you feel any better, I'm jealous of you because you are nearing the end and I haven't even started yet! Today my husband was explaining how this would be good financially and he said "but I know you would rather me be home and be poor though." I burst into tears :(

  2. All of those feelings are completely normal!!! I've definitely felt them all during deployments. Hang in there, and like you said, take it day by day. :)